I'm worried I'm falling out of love with TNS.

I rarely think about them anymore. Even when I wasn't actively obsessed with Doom Patrol, they were still always there with me---they were still always in the back of my mind, always something I turned to when I needed comfort, always meaningful. Now I just don't know. Now I just feel like I'm becoming a different person?

Part of it could very much be personal experiences I had with certain people related to that show that were very difficult and hard for me, and that I'm only really processing now - 5-6 years later. I barely comprehend them as it is. I think this probably has a lot to do with it; a lot of that show has been soured for me now, and has been since they were written off in 2021. But I just used to love TNS so deeply--in a way I find myself loving other characters now, in place of them.

TNS has been with me for seven (seven!!!!) (7) years as of last April. I fell in love with them almost instantly. I loved them more than anyone I dated during the early 2020s. I loved them more than most things in my life. I cried on the floor immobile for days when they were written off. Now I just... I don't know. The person I was that loved Doom Patrol feels like dead skin now.

I feel like TNS is being replaced with Caleb somehow? But I don't think I feel traditional romantic love for him. God, I used to hate saying this, but it does feel like a Secret Third Thing---all encompassing. I don't feel attracted to Sandro Rosta at all but Caleb Mir lives in my soul and is a part of me now. I guess I would call it queerplatonic but also I'm in love with him in every way imaginable but also he's me but also ??? I just adore him, and I think about him all the time in the same intense way I constantly thought about The Negative Spirit.

TNS has been my whole identity for ages. I don't feel connected to that identity much these days I guess. I'm still me, but "evolved". I guess! Throws hands up---I guess, dot png. 

I have to embrace this new Aggie (an aside: I really want a more "traditionally" Quaker name too, and I think wanting a new name is definitely indicative of something DID related but I don't know what---growth?) but I'm so scared of change. I have to do it though. I have to become a better version of me.

And that better version of me does not fight people online over differing opinions about Caleb Mir ships (I will only fight over fandom racism!). I think if I could reach tranquility with fandom that would really help a lot. I wrote a whole poast on my main site about this and then promptly followed it up with zero actions nada zilch zed nothing. I have to make my life more holistic.

I think part of the reason I love Caleb so much is that he's the first fictional character I've seen who I think would genuinely accept me and never judge me. I feel this way about him in a way I didn't really feel with TNS, mostly due to their alienness/connection to Larry being paramount. I feel like we actually WOULD be really close.

Lots to think about tonight.

Names I'm considering are Remedy, Serendipity, or Harmony.